At Wisteria & Sunshine this past week, I’ve been weaving something I found at the retreat last month into the steps we are taking towards An Unhurried Christmas. But I have been weaving it into my life in all sorts of ways since I read these words…
The fire of transformation arises not through effort ,
will power or goal – setting, but through awareness.
-from the Creative Joy Retreat
Lately, I’ve been very aware that I wanted to respond personally to each of the thoughtful, lovely responses to my last post here. . .yet I haven’t been able to find the time or take the time when I find it to do so.. But those responses and the numbers next to the little heart have christened this new space. I feel at home, interested and hopeful to see what grows here. . .so. . .know that I am grateful.
And I have been aware of all that makes time hard to find or when it is found, makes me turn to a book or movie instead of more writing and sharing. And most of it is not as easy as other things to talk about.
Mine lately have been these…the past two weeks I’ve had to focus on more than thirty ebay auctions of things that were part of both my caregiving life and my mother’s life. It was a lot of work, but necessary for many practical reasons. It was mostly mentally tiring, but also emotionally…letting things go that needed to be let go of.
As well, I’ve been struggling with my health since my mother’s birthday on the last day of June, when an ulcer started…or something like an ulcer. I’ve done everything in the past four months to try to heal it, changing my diet completely, lots of natural approaches, all of the usual pharmaceutical ones under the watchful eye of my doctor. Nothing worked. So a month or so ago, I decided to go gluten-free.
No obvious change so far, tho’ some subtle ones. It is only the beginning of this journey, and it is wrapped up with so much, as my father was diagnosed with celiac several years before he died and such a change is pretty deep, as it rubs up against tradition and habits and how other people feel about it. Awareness is now in play on an almost moment by moment basis as I seek connections and clarity and healing.
And then there is the awareness in my heart and body and mind of where I was at this time last year. Each day, I read the emails I was sending to friends and family as my mom left this life and it both sad and good, as I give myself a very simple and obvious way to mourn what needs to be mourned. Tears are very near each day, as I read those emails, remember as I lay each night at bedtime in the room where this sacred drama unfolded last year, and feel the memories as I watch the moon grow to its November fullness again.
So. . .life is very full just now. It has been full for a long time. And that is not even including all of the usual late Autumn and walking towards Advent fullness. I am hoping to find myself past these extra-ordinary struggles by the time this year comes to a close. How lovely it will be to just live an ordinary life again! That is my hope for myself. In the meantime, awareness will me keep from too much googling and list-making and striving as I continue to navigate as best I can.
These photos were all taken at the retreat. . .in the decaying glasshouse where I spent most of my free time. . .having fallen in love with it. Finding it and the simple kitchen garden attached to it was like coming home. Like Mary Lennox finding her Secret Garden. I was really happy to receive the photo below from a retreat companion, when she-unbeknownst to me-caught me sitting in the sun with my back against its warm brick wall after we had all walked the labyrinth together.
P.S. I am also aware : ) that we have yet to get our Papery Days gatherings going…my next post will surely be a papery one, and we can get that started.
sarah November 17, 2013 at 7:53 pm
I wish you good health, my dear.
jenni November 17, 2013 at 8:19 pm
I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with your health, but loved hearing you are trying a gluten free diet, I am also mostly gluten free and it’s a lot easier because now there are so many wonderful substitutes. So you don’t have to feel deprived of anything. If you ever need any ideas I’d be happy to help, (my mom also bakes gluten free)
I love these magical photos so much! I am looking forward to any papery posts you have coming up 🙂
Be well,
Jenni
Lynn November 17, 2013 at 8:46 pm
Ah, don’t you wish we came with explicit owner’s manuals? Especially ones that explain all of the curious changes happening to our digestion as we become juicy rosehips?
After much experimentation with my own diet, I have discovered that the trouble comes when I’m eating too much of a LOT of iffy foods (corn and sugar being my absolute worst). An occasional slice of bread, a rare bowl of popcorn while watching a movie, a sweet treat sometimes — all okay. I can even enjoy coffee if it’s cold-brewed (low-acidity). But my tendency, especially during stressful times, is to gorge on chips and salsa, to eat desserts day after day, to order an Americano at the coffee shop. That’s where I am right now, and the body aches have become chronic, I am carrying eight pounds more than three months ago, my skin is a mess, and my moods are chaotic.
Some would say I’m too acidic; others would say my liver is overburdened. I have been tested and don’t actually have allergies or intolerances to corn, wheat, gluten or sugar. But I do know that I tend to overeat these things when I do eat them, and that they tend to crowd out the good things like greens and vegetables. I also know that I tolerate tricky foods better when I’m exercising and happy. Sigh!
Here’s hoping that the puzzle pieces start coming together for you, dear Lesley. Sending you love!
kim s. November 17, 2013 at 9:37 pm
Lesley, you are in my prayers this month as you remember you mother. Last month was my month of mourning, and while I wish I could say it passed and life is brighter again, I can’t…hopefully soon. I find this time of mourning forces me to become more “aware” of life, dreams, disappointments, and I struggle to make sense of this new awareness in the midst of raising young children. Honestly, there are times when I’m envious of your rose hip life, when I imagine you can forge new paths & pursue dreams that will fulfill you.
So many changes this past year; here’s to a season of hope next year!
Kyce November 20, 2013 at 5:27 am
Grateful for bringing the gift of awareness…into my awareness.
jademichele November 23, 2013 at 11:54 pm
I hope you are feeling g better soon, going gluten free has helped me so much, I hope it is helpful for you.your blogs are so lovely and thoughtful.