…or more truly…can I get the words out ?
I’ve been promising to get back to regular posting many times over the past few years, but my posts have been few and far between. Photographs have been easier, but even those aren’t coming so easily these days.
When I look back on some of what I’ve shared in the past, here and at Wisteria & Sunshine, I am surprised by my sometime-eloquence. Words and thoughts used to flow, in my own small channels, where they now get quickly blocked by the twigs that build up and leave only a quiet pool to sit by, usually alone. If it were clear, that might make my reflections easier to see…but it is often muddy.
The last few times I remember being able to bare my soul in public (not that my blog needs to be always that!), were at the women’s retreats I traveled to in 2013. In May, at the herbal retreat in North Carolina, words and tears and joy rose up and spilled over many times, in the cupped hands of that small green valley where women were drawn together.
And again in October, in another valley, within the sheltering walls of an old monastery and another circle of women, it was simple to talk of all that was on my heart. It has been harder here, in the online webby world, on these glass pages (as a dear friend calls them).
Why?
Hmmm….even in this moment, when I’ve decided to get the words out, it is hard. What is it that stops me from writing like this more often? When there isn’t a unexpected, provoking event as there was that day? Is it because I know that one of the reasons you visit here is to find peace and beauty? But I know those can still be found in the midst of the truth and confusion and seeking…I find it everyday. It is not that.
Is it because it is difficult to pull my thoughts up and out of the murky, swirling pool and present them to you in ways that are helpful and gladly received? This is closer to the conflict, I know. I wish my pool was clear and sparkling and that my hands and arms were strong with righteous passion or uncomplicated purpose. Clarity would be so welcome.
I do feel passion at times…and anguish…and curiosity…and hope. When I called my representative a few days ago to ask him to vote against a freedom-curtailling, Monsanto-protecting bill, I wanted to share it here and urge each of you to do the same.
When I photograph a lovely corner of our home or garden and wonder how to also share the dilemmas and overwhelm that come with trying to live a life less chemical and store-bought without sounding either preachy or complaining?
When, in my research as I dream and design my longed for planner/organizer into being, I come up against all of the evidence of (dare I say this?) a world of paper-loving women (like me) spending their powerful dollars in ways that seem to not understand the connection between the spending and the fate of the earth. Does that sound dramatic…or harsh? I had to ask Doug for help in figuring out how to say it and it took several tries for the both of us.
Yes. This is what keeps me from speaking. Because it is so hard to speak from my heart without worrying that I might offend. I cherish the idea of each of us “being the change we wish to see in the world” and I’ve been trying to do just that for decades now. But it doesn’t feel like enough any longer.
It feels like I need to stop being afraid of sharing my vision…because it isn’t perfectly thought out…because I am not perfectly living it…because my feelings might hurt someone else’s feelings. I don’t want to distress or annoy, I just want to help open eyes and hearts, in the small ways that my eyes and heart have been opened.
I want to be able to say that I hope that places like Michael’s will either one day go out of business, or better yet, fill their aisles with thoughtfully sourced and packaged items that take into consideration the people making them and the earth and trees, creatures and substances that provide the raw materials. I know how bewildering and challenging it is to try to shop and live this way, I fail in living out my vision every day. But it is important to try and to keep trying. And when more of us do so, it won’t be so challenging.
Before I was ready to write this post, I put up the words and picture that grace the top of this page…dipping my toe in, I suppose, before I was ready to take the plunge. I do believe those words. Sometimes I want to start a revolution-a gentle, ardent, womanly one-to help save the earth and ourselves, one household at a time. But I am really not a revolutionary.
Part of the Rosehip’s journey is to hone in on finding out both what we are and what we are not. I wonder if it is the Monarch in its chrysalis that is sheltering in our morning room at this moment (whispering to me of transformation) that compels me to finally speak…and closing one chapter of creating and beginning another as I made and sold the last of the designs from Small Meadow Press days…and find a new footing in this ever-shifting online realm as I soon enter my second decade of blogging?
So it won’t be a revolution, and perhaps this post isn’t really a revelation…just making it possible to continue on in a way that is most natural to me, the sharing of the “everyday deep” (and not so deep!), without the restraints I’ve put upon myself…trusting that if I take a misstep or falter along the way, or even simply say something with which you disagree, that you will take it kindly, without umbrage…for that is how it is given. I will imagine you sitting across the little,wild pool from me, on the moss-soft bank…receiving the ripples from my finger as it makes circles on the water’s surface and I try to see into the depths…and me receiving yours in return…and all of them rippling out into the greater pools and ponds and rivers and…seas.
I have one bundle of Small Meadow Press things left in my studio from the sale I had earlier in the month. It is truly the last of the last! And I have one Summer Diary, which will represent the New. I would like to send these to along to someone, and will choose the recipient with the drawing of a name from the comments to this post. Please share your own heart about…being a rosehip…the shifts in the online world…a women’s power to bring change to the world…your own murky pools and confusion…your hopes and dreams…whatever it brings up in you.
And I shall be back here next Saturday to announce the recipient, and to get some words out again.
xo
jenni July 25, 2015 at 3:29 pm
i always love to read your words that come from your heart and your world so it is a surprise to see that it is sometimes a struggle for you, but i love any little bit when i see in my blog reader that you have a new post up that always feels like a special letter and you help me to see the world in a different way to live simpler and take care of the earth.
Gwyn July 25, 2015 at 4:14 pm
My written words, are only comments or infrequent Facebook posts. I worry so much what to say and hope it comes out the way I meant it. Even the phone can be difficult for me. I would so much rather talk to some one face to face where you can read body movements and facial expressions.
sarah July 25, 2015 at 4:18 pm
Dear Lesley, I understand so deeply what you are saying here. My heart is afire often with the things that matter to me – and sometimes I write of them – and then I delete the post for fear of offending others. I wonder if this is a common issue for women, especially those of our age who were perhaps raised by a culture which told girls they must be “sugar and spice and everything nice.” (Or perhaps we older women have a hard-won wisdom which makes us want to be considerate to others.)
I also confess, here for everyone to see, that I fear if I offend others with my ardent opinion on certain topics, it will spoil the general impression of my webspace being a gentle and safe place. I don’t necessarily even want it to be such a place. But once a reputation like that takes shape, it can feel daunting to break it.
The thing is, your kindness and caring and deep gentle spirit shines through everything you say, photograph, and design. That buffers any possible offence. If someone else prone to ranting went on about bleached paper, for example, they would raise the hackles. If you did it, we’d know it came from a soft and loving place. And we may be more inclined to listen and consider, because of it.
I love the photo of you, I’ve always thought you are one of the few people who looks really authentic in the photos you post of yourself. Just calmly in possession of yourself. You give the impression of being much loved. With such love comes protection, comfort, grace. Thank you for sharing that with us.
Sorry for such a long comment!
Denise July 25, 2015 at 9:19 pm
The murky, muddied waters that flow when we write down our soul. Words born from springs deep and personal aren’t always gentle even if they flow true. Still and yet, they need to cascade out watering life in their passing…if not, a valley of dry, lifeless thoughts will only be found. I am new here but looking forward to what is to come.
Lin July 26, 2015 at 8:51 am
I want to leave a comment here today just to say thank you.
I’ve ‘followed’ you for years, having first met you via an online forum. And I return here, again and again, most times quietly ~ because of what you share. You encourage me to look inside myself ~ to look closer into my own “murky pools”.
Life is like crossing a river ~ choosing which stone to step on next. I love that you’ve chosen to share your heart ~ and that you in turn invite us to do the same.
~ Lin
Jan July 26, 2015 at 5:11 pm
I’m not very adept at putting thoughts into words but what I would like to say is that I have never found your words to be anything other than gently encouraging, inspiring and educating.
I come here and I’m also a member of Wisteria & Sunshine because I know that I’ll find you being a gentle warrior, guiding and encouraging. One of the most important things is that I believe you write from the heart, that your blog is “real” and that you have (and are not afraid to tell us) those real ups and downs in life as we all do.
I’ve never found you to be “preachy or complaining” – but always guiding and encouraging.
I leave both here and Wisteria & Sunshine feeling uplifted, encouraged and peaceful.
How I would love to sit across the pool from you, on that soft mossy bank.
Barbara Mabry July 27, 2015 at 1:40 am
It seems that in this world of ours today we are either turned “on” or tuned “into” some form of technology. It beckons our response either to some form of immediacy or problem solving dilemma. This continuous draw of our
attention takes away from the peace we strive so hard to maintain in our daily lives.
If we would just take the time to converse and exchange our thoughts and ideas with others as your website allows, we will all derive a better sense of understanding of the world around us not to mention making it a better place for those who will follow in our footsteps.
Wendy July 27, 2015 at 3:46 am
I really enjoyed your post and your beautiful photograph. I am an older person and am letting my hair go grey naturally. People ask why I don’t dye my hair to look more well groomed. But don’t dye things in the natural world why should we have to do so. Your words are lovely, I feel very blessed having yours and other blogs to read. It stops me feeling isolated as sometimes it is difficult to meet people who are like minded.
Thank you so much, I hope you will always continue to write as your words mean so much.
Kind wishes
Wendy
Karen Edmisten July 27, 2015 at 10:09 am
Lesley, I don’t think I could ever think of you as preachy or complaining. You have firm convictions, and admirable ones, and there’s nothing wrong with spreading your ideas and your vision. Quiet revolutions are also revolutions. 🙂
“I know how bewildering and challenging it is to try to shop and live this way,” —
Yes, it is, and the fact is that you understand that! Your ways are gentle and encouraging (and your strong convictions don’t change your ways.)
I have a dear friend whose husband works as the store manager for a large craft store chain. We live in a small town, without a great number of job opportunities and when he found himself out of work several years ago (with only retail management in his background), this was the only job that came up. So, I face one of those very real life dilemmas — it’s true that I want to patronize/support my friend’s husband’s store (they have nine children to feed) but it’s also true that I am always trying to make incremental changes that don’t involve buying products made in sweatshops. What does this look like in real life? It doesn’t look perfect, but we have to keep taking baby steps, right?
As far as the blogging world, I think it’s a constant challenge to keep up with all that I want to keep up with, and blogging has certainly changed enormously over the last ten years. I often ask myself what my blog is, if it’s helpful to anyone, and so on. But as long as I keep getting at least a bit of interaction, I assume it’s reaching someone. And it’s still very fulfilling to me, so I’ll keep going. At least for now. 🙂
I think the real you shines through your writing perhaps more than you know. So, we already know the real you (and love you) and comments such as your Michaels one aren’t shocking, they are just confirmations of what we already know about your goals and wishes and dreams for the world and the way we all choose to live in it.
BONNIE BUCKINGHAM July 27, 2015 at 10:20 am
HI Lesley,
We need to be providers of beauty, compassion, and imagination. Culture Care is needed by those who understand beauty. Our culture has become pragmatic and ruled by the bottom line. I love your writings and journals and yearnings to make this world more beautiful. Technology is making us go faster and faster yet it is a good tool. I read FB to find articles and ideas from those who are educators, artists,writers, and musicians. I love commenting to encourage them. Just a LIKE does too. I have learned much and found new books to read and to teach to my high school class. My hope is that you continue writing and posting and creating. The world needs the beauty you bring to us.
Rebecca July 27, 2015 at 10:43 am
I am thankful I found your blog, Lesley! I purchased a pack of Christmas cards from you some time ago. The image and quote on the card is still a favorite of mine. An image of Mary and Jesus with the following…
The Christ-child stood at Mary’s knee,
His hair was like a crown.
And all the flowers looked up at Him,
And all the stars looked down.
My purchase came in a lovely box with my name on a label with birds. I still have the box and it currently holds my favorite trinkets, poems, ticket stubs, and other ephemera.
I love stationary and sending handwritten letters to family and friends. I have a tote full of various cards and things to send. I like making my notes and packages extra special. I like the idea of something so small as a greeting card being able to brighten someone’s day.
I hope that the small things I cherish, like sending snail mail, will inspire others. Especially my nieces. Even though correspondence has shifted to technology, I hope others appreciate and cherish handwritten correspondence.
Karen Edmisten July 28, 2015 at 10:42 am
Just had to come back and say that my friend’s husband does not, by the way, work for Michael’s. 😉 Also, the other thing I love about you, Lesley — I already said that I could never see you as a complainer, but wanted to add this — is that you are always searching for viable alternatives to objectionable practices, and that is so, so appreciated. Incremental changes — that’s how I’ve been able to make changes in our lives. Hugs!
Tessa July 28, 2015 at 10:53 am
Beautiful… Heartfelt….
My only words, are to be one’s self, on one’s blog. As much as is possible. Because not even ‘me’ always knows what ‘me’ I am. 🙂 Which is fine, since we are all evolving, all the time. And my ‘me’ of today, may well not be my ‘me’ of tomorrow.
Say our views/feelings/passions, with as gentle a ‘voice’ as possible. And rely on luck, to have readers read them, with a gentle ‘sight’. This too, is not always possible. Not for the blogger, and not for the reader. But so be it. To worry too much, about offending, is to stifle our voice.
Gentle hugs,
Tessa
Tessa July 28, 2015 at 10:53 am
May I say, how delightfully refreshing it is, to see toes, without nail polish!!!!! I thought I was the last woman on earth, to not paint her toe nails! Now I know, I am not. -grin-
Gentle hugs,
Tessa
Dori July 28, 2015 at 4:53 pm
“women will form a chain….” Oh, how I hope! Over the last few years I’ve felt ever more strongly women are being called to form that chain. As women, we have a unique perspective on life, and our place in and on this beautiful Earth. We feel so passionately about things (your tears at the spraying of your fields and mine at the felling of our trees), and there is such power in that passion. Sometimes we must rage against the storm to be heard. The tragedy will be if our voices, our truths are never shared. There is a time for gentle nudging, but sometimes we must step firmly into the tempest. xo
Sora July 28, 2015 at 7:48 pm
I am so resonating with this, not as much because I worry that I will offend, but that sometimes as soon as I write one thing that I can believe in, another (on the other edge) can feel equally true … and at the times I am feeling most connected to my Soul’s bright knowing, to the earth & her multi-dimensional expression, and to the world’s evolving-ness, there are usually no words even available to write.
I’ve been at that place recently, and still uncovering whether I really even want to play the online game, when I come across Treasures such as you (yes, you Lesley) and then I feel as if I’m opening a beautiful gift that I could not have found had I not reached out across the technology net to make a connection with another passionate heart-ist. I feel us (together) becoming a bit more Real as we simply dive into the messiness of all this you are stirring up. Perhaps there are no right answers, only continued exploration and honesty as we come up against parts of the world, and ourselves, that make us feel less than whole.
What I most wish to say (in addition to thanking you for releasing a few words from my too silent fingers…maybe now I can go finish the book I’ve been writing) … is that in the small time since I’ve discovered you, your gift of sharing has already inspired me beyond the words you write or don’t write. Just knowing there is someone like you out there is gift enough. Thank you for continuing to bless the world with your shining Presence. Sor’a
Sora July 28, 2015 at 7:49 pm
and I still love love love the artistic look & feel of your site.
Marianna July 29, 2015 at 12:40 pm
I believe that those of us with sensitive souls always struggle with the dichotomy between reality and the ideal. I also believe that our current economy makes it incredibly difficult to live a life focused on integrity in purchasing. It’s so much easier to just not think about it. I, too, struggle with the need to get the words out, but the fear of offending. It’s iften difficult to speak one’s truth.
Kathleen July 31, 2015 at 8:54 pm
Have a wonderful working holiday Lesley! I agree with Marianna above– often having high ideals can bind us from freedom to fully love. It’s like we are holding our breath to fully love until things are perfect. I have high ideals— and it has made me miserable at times, as well as those who live with me. I don’t really know what the “compromise” is– because if you have ideals, you don’t want to compromise 🙂 Now that I have grown children who have different strong ideals–what do you do? LOVE. LOVE. Choosing to extend grace and love to all we meet, and know. If we can bring peace and healing in our interpersonal relationships throughout the world–I think the earth would respond to our joy, and exhale from the stress we carry amongst ourselves. And we in turn would take better care of each other, and treasure the privilege of living on this beautiful planet. But it is very ‘daily’ to seek be present, and attentive to those around us. I find I can be very self absorbed with my own thoughts. I am so drawn to people who give themselves away in service, and sacrifice for others.
Maryanne August 1, 2015 at 7:51 pm
Hi Leslie,
Your online places are places of beauty and peace. I think an important part of that is that you yourself also feel safe in those places, and not that you feel you should keep parts of you, that are integral to who you are, stifled, for fear of offence.Your voice is always gentle and caring: if offence is taken, I think maybe just let it be so. Karen is right about the difficult and delicate compromises that all of us face in trying to keep to our ideals: none of us is perfect,and at times our choices are constrained in ways we wish were otherwise. The struggle is there: naming the challenges and our feelings about them; acknowledging the prickles as we do our best to avoid them, understanding as we do so that we all have different tools with which to negotiate them, I think only encourages others,and deepens the sense of authentic community.
One of my favourite quotes:”Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes”.